Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Guest Blogger Pepper O'Neal - My Publishing Nightmare


The first I book had published was Love Potion No. 2-14, released by eTreasures Publishing in February 2011. The process was basically painless, at least for me. So call me naïve—or spoiled—but I wasn’t expecting to have a nightmare experience getting my second book, Blood Fest: Chasing Destiny, released by Black Opal Books on April 30, 2011. Now, to be honest, the problems I experienced with Blood Fest: Chasing Destiny weren’t all my publisher’s fault.

The first problem came to light about three weeks before the book was supposed to be released. One of the beta readers discovered a plot inconsistency that was missed not only by me, but by three editors as well. But it was a problem that readers would have caught in a heartbeat. As a result, I had to rewrite nearly half the book. In two weeks! To give you a brief idea of the problem, when the shifters, or Weres, in my world mate, they have what I call werespeak, the power to communicate telepathically with their mate up to a range of 400 miles, should they happen to be apart. However, I forgot this small detail as I wrote the last half of the book, in which two of my characters were mated. The power to speak telepathically made a BIG difference to the plot. As you can see, it had to be fixed. My editors at Black Opal were great. They spent a lot of late night hours working with me on the revisions. My local writing group was also a big help. Although, some of them wanted to start a betting pool on whether or not I’d get the book finished on time. At one point, I honestly didn’t know whether to put $20 on myself to finish in time or to put $20 on myself to miss my deadline. But in spite of it all, we managed to get the book released on time.

So imagine my chagrin after going through all that when I discovered a draft copy of the book had inadvertently been uploaded to the ebook distributors. Although, the mistake was not really the fault of my publisher, they took full responsibility. They also took measures to ensure that anyone who had purchased a draft copy got a free replacement copy of the correct version. I have heard, although I’ve luckily never had to suffer through the experience, that some publishers just ignore these kinds of mistakes, leaving their author to apologize to her/his fans and beg those fans to come back and buy the next book the author puts out. So I was very relieved to find I had a publisher who actually cared and tried to make it right.

The print version comes out today, and at least I know that is the right version. I’ve seen the proof. So I’m hoping my nightmare experience in publishing is over. I have the second book in the Blood Fest series, Blood Fest: Cursing Fate, under contract with Black Opal, and it is supposed to be released in October of this year. So as long as there aren’t any last minute plot problems, when Cursing Fate is released, it should be a breeze. If I didn’t think I’d jinx myself, I would say it couldn’t be any worse than Chasing Destiny. But if there is one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that things can always get worse.

Award-winning author, Pepper O’Neal is a researcher, a writer, and an adrenalin junkie. She has a doctorate in education and spent several years in Mexico and the Caribbean working as researcher for an educational resource firm based out of Mexico City. During that time, she met and befriended many adventurers like herself, including former CIA officers and members of organized crime. Her fiction is heavily influenced by the stories they shared with her, as well her own experiences abroad.

O’Neal loves a good romance but that feels today’s readers deserve more than just the same old love story. So O’Neal writes Romance on the Edge of Your Seat—romantic thrillers with pulse-pumping action, mind-numbing suspense, and heart-warming true love. She attributes both her love of adventure and her compulsion to write fiction to her Irish and Cherokee ancestors. When she’s not at her computer, O’Neal spends her time talking long walks in the forests near her home or playing with her three cats. And of course, planning the next adventure.




Monday, June 13, 2011

Release of Restraining the Receptionist


I recently got asked the question: which of my characters is my favorite? My mother used to face this same question from me and my three siblings. She always answered that she couldn’t possibly choose, that she loved us all equally. Each of us kids, in our secret hearts, believed she loved us the best, and just didn’t want to hurt the others’ feelings. After all, mothers aren’t supposed to pick one child to love the most. But what about authors? Can we pick one character over the others? Aren’t we supposed to love them all?

Well, of course … but I’m here to admit that I do have a favorite character. I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings, so please, Characters from My Other Books, put your fingers in your ears and say lalalala...


Dana Arthur, resident of Low-Life, Long Island, receptionist of the firm Cowell & Dirk, heroine of Training the Receptionist and Restraining the Receptionist, out tomorrow, is my secret favorite. It’s a good thing I gave birth to her only in a metaphorical sense. If she were my child, she’d probably drive me crazy. She’s sassy, street-savvy, addicted to tattoos, has a problem with authority, not much regard for rules, and a spirit of adventure that gets her into trouble, especially when it comes to her two sexy bosses, Simon Dirk and Ethan Cowell.

Dana is such fun to write – I love every moment I spend on my Receptionist books. She’s daring, unafraid to test her own limits if it will bring her pleasure. She’s a survivor who doesn’t expect anything to be handed to her – but looks at the world with her own wry, sarcastically offkilter way.

Restraining the Receptionist is out tomorrow, but you can pre-order it here at the Samhain site or … you can leave a comment and be entered into a drawing for a copy in the format of your choice! In the meantime, here’s the blurb and an adult-ish excerpt. Enjoy!


Every deal has a loophole.


Restraining the Receptionist

© 2011 Juniper Bell

…the Receptionist, Book 2

Dana Arthur’s new job with the firm of Cowell & Dirk is going well. Translation: the occasionally kinky ménage with her two bosses, Ethan and Simon, has been several months of politically incorrect bliss.

Except the relationship feels unbalanced. While Ethan is the undisputed master, the partners’ iron-clad agreement stipulates that Simon must be present as she performs her “duties”. And she senses there’s a subtle, powerful tug-of-war developing for more than just her body.

Simon had agreed to share the firm’s fiery, sensually daring receptionist…to a point. With Simon out of town, Ethan plans a feast of erotic temptations designed to have Dana begging him to break the deal. He didn’t realize his heart would be a casualty.

Once she surrenders to his wicked demands, Dana realizes there’s no going back. It’s time for a three-way renegotiation…this time, all or nothing.

Warning: NSFW!! Do Not Try This at Your Job. Contains highly inappropriate workplace behavior including m/f/m, m/m, bondage, creative use of office space and a high-stakes trip to Atlantic City.

Enjoy the following excerpt for Restraining the Receptionist:

My unpredictable number one boss showed up in a new mood the next day. I’d never seen him light-hearted before. Now that I had an idea about his history, not a big surprise. But that’s exactly how he seemed when he breezed into the office. He wore casual clothes, blue jeans and a light blue open-collared shirt that made his eyes look like summer without the smog.

“I’ve got no pesky clients today, luv,” he told me, without pausing by my desk to check my outfit, which he usually did. “I’d like you to order us a picnic lunch.”

“Huh?”

“Picnic. You have those in America, right? Or are they banned in the great state of New York?”

“We have them, but you can’t even spread out a blanket without kicking aside a stray used needle or two.” As soon as I said it I remembered the heroin. “I…I’m sorry,” I stammered.

But my thoughtless reference didn’t make him miss a beat. “A little local color will add to the experience, I’m sure. Handle the details and we’ll go around noon.”

Did a picnic violate the terms of our deal? Ethan and I would be doing something outside of work, just the two of us, something intimate. Almost like a date. But he hadn’t suggested anything physical. It was lunch. We both had to eat, right? It seemed perfectly harmless.

Since I was working from the company petty cash fund, I called up the neighborhood yuppie café where they served giant organic sandwiches. On my budget, I would have gone for a Subway footlong. But Ethan would no doubt demand something better.

We held our picnic on a concrete bench in a sweltering park a few blocks away from the office. Dog walkers and stroller-pushers, listless from the heat, wandered by now and then, but otherwise we were alone. The humid heat pressed on us like a steam iron. My hair stuck to my cheeks as I bit into my upscale sandwich.

Ethan didn’t comment on the slabs of free-range chicken that had probably been hand-raised and read bedtime stories before being slaughtered and inserted into a sandwich. He did remove the unruly mound of bean sprouts and toss it to a nearby pigeon. The pigeon pecked at the stuff, clucked scornfully and waddled the other direction.

I couldn’t help giggling at Ethan’s wounded expression. “I wouldn’t take it personally,” I told him. “He’s a New York pigeon. He’s used to eating dog crap.”

He chuckled. “Have you lived here your whole life, Dana?”

The sheer ordinariness of the question unnerved me. “Well, except for that semester abroad in Paris, and the year I spent in Fiji with the Peace Corps. I’m joking,” I added, when he didn’t laugh.

“Oh. Well, I’m certainly familiar with your sense of humor, but I confess I don’t understand the joke. You could have done those things.”

I let out a spurt of laughter that startled the pigeon. “I had other things to do.”

“Like what?”

“Like dodge my father’s fists after a drinking binge.”

“Ah.” Ethan didn’t show sympathy or disapproval or anything else. He chewed on his stack of multi-grain goodness. “And your mother?”

“No clue. My father always said she ran away, but for all I know he has her body dismembered in a freezer somewhere.”

That earned me a sharp taste of Blue Fury.

“I’m kidding. I have a dark sense of humor. My father’s not that bad. And my stepmother would have gone for poison instead.”

A crack of laughter from Ethan. “You really are something, you know that? You fascinate me.”

I filled my mouth with sandwich so I didn’t have to answer that. I was very much afraid the fascination was mutual. We settled into a munching, digesting kind of silence. He had one ankle crossed over the opposite knee, and occasionally his bent leg would brush against mine. Every time it happened, a little jolt of awareness zinged straight to my groin. Did he know it was happening? Was he doing it deliberately?

“Your knee keeps touching me.”

“Does it?” He didn’t move away.

“That’s against the rules.”

“So sorry.” But he didn’t look sorry. He looked entirely unconcerned, even though he moved his knee away. “One of these days we must write these rules down. For instance, is all physical contact forbidden while Simon is away, or only that of a sexual nature?”

Lord, why did he have to say “sexual” with that spark in his eyes and that slant of his eyebrow? It wasn’t fair, damn it.

“Another example. I’ve been longing to tell you how delicious you look today and how the shadow of your nipples through the fabric of your blouse keeps drawing my eyes. But is verbal praise also off-limits, since I’d be unable to keep it G-rated, I’m afraid?”

“You can’t see my nipples through my blouse!” I looked down to make sure.

“Oh, yes, I can. I know what they’re doing right now. They’re just beginning to stir to life. You’re probably feeling a pleasant prickling as they become engorged. I’ve realized something about you, you know. The sound of my voice has a powerful effect on you.”

So right he was. I tried to block out his voice. Might as well try to stop the Hudson River.

“In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I could bring you to orgasm just with my voice. I wouldn’t have to touch you at all. All I’d have to do is tell you what I wanted to do to you. I’d tell you how much I want to bend you over this bench and take you in the open air. Or how much I’d like to tie you to that birch tree over there, open your blouse and bring you to orgasm with my fist up your cunt. Sure, someone might see. For instance, those three fellows playing Frisbee over there. It’s entirely possible they’d start to notice when I tied your hands behind the tree and ripped off your blouse. Maybe they’d even come running to your rescue.”

His gravelly voice hypnotized me so I could practically picture the scene. My body melted into a shivery puddle of craving.

“And then, of course, I’d have no choice but to invite them to join us, either as witnesses or participants. They look like red-blooded, able-bodied, clean-cut gentlemen, nothing to fear. I’d have to convince them you were willing. More than willing. Eager. I’d have to show them how wet you already were, just from having your breasts exposed. You like being exposed, don’t you?”

“Stop,” I murmured. This was going into an area we’d never touched. Other men had had no place in our games so far.

As soon as I told him to stop, he did. And as soon as he did, I wanted him to start again. After all, what was the harm? He was going there in imagination only.

“Well…” I cleared my throat. “Would you let them touch my breasts?”

“I’d give them a chance, see how they behaved. Not just anyone gets to touch my Dana. Our Dana, I should say.”

I winced at the reminder of the absent Simon. But I was too caught up in Ethan’s hypothetical scenario to be bothered for long.

“Our Dana’s luscious nipples deserve nothing other than sweet tender care. Long, lingering suckles. Perhaps a man to each nipple, and one to jerk himself off as he watches. That should get you started, I’d say. You’d be making those adorable little whimpering sounds. But perhaps I’d begin to sense that you want more, that you need the grip of cold metal on your flesh.”

The image made my belly clench with need. My nipples were as hard as the bench we sat on. I thought I would suffocate if this went on much longer. I turned a pleading look on him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of nipple clamps.

This was way over the line, totally against our rules, but I banished that thought from my mind. I nodded, biting my lip. I didn’t care who watched as he reached inside my blouse and fastened the silver clips to my nipples. The sweet pain of it made me sag against him and sigh. Exquisite relief flooded me. I leaned against him as if he were a boulder. When I looked down, the clips were clearly visible through my blouse. But I didn’t care. Ethan would take care of me.

Thanks for celebrating Release Day with me one day early!

Juniper


Friday, June 10, 2011

Romance Heroism 101: The Beginners' Class

Sometimes when a relationship ends, I can't decide which is worse: the pain of the breakup, or the pain of charging back into the dating game.

Now, this isn't an issue for me right now, but I have an increasingly large number of male friends who are at this point. And boy do they need help. So, of course, they turn to me--the erotic romance author--as if I have all the answers.

But after thinking about it, maybe we, as romance writers and readers, really are a good resource. We do live, breathe, and sleep romance. Or at least I like to think so. We're a love-minded bunch and if anyone could give a guy advice on how to woo his woman, it's us.

I've started the list--you have to help me finish it. What qualities in romance heroes do we like to see in our men? What can a guy do to up his chances with "the ladies"? (With all values adjusted for personal preference, of course :D)

1. Never stop learning and improving. And no, an erection does not count as "personal growth."

2. Be passionate about something--but don't hog the dinner conversation going on and on about that graphic artist the cubicle over who cannot stop using Comic Sans. We probably don't care that much, unless you're dating another graphic designer. If so...bonus points for you!

3. Respect your parents, but don't be a mama's boy. Please, for the love of God, if she still does your laundry on a regular basis...

4. For that matter, it's really sexy if you're self-sufficient. Knowing how to cook, clean, and do laundry lets us know you're not looking for a replacement caretaker. We don't like those chores any more than you do, but we might be willing to go halfsies on them. Ok, maybe more like 60-40, but if you're pitching in we'll feel better about doing the rest.

5. No, you don't know every trick in the bedroom. See tip #1.

So what quality does your (dream) man have that should be added to this list?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Love's Savage Whiplash Chapter Five: Mistress and Commander: The Far Side of the Nursery

In Which a Fair but Penniless Governess longs for the Heart of a nefarious Highwayman pretending to be a Duke, though he is Betrothed to another


Last night, I dreamt I went to Netherloin again

Miss Julia Fitzgerald sighed and traced one finger down the fogged pane of glass, gazing out at the broad expanse of the estate. What an addle-pated thought, of course. How could she return to Netherloin again if she had never left it?

Other people left. Even the Duke left, for a short time at least, on his daring piratical adventure.

But Julia Fitzgerald?

No, she would be here until she drew her last breath, faithfully fulfilling her duties as governess to Ward, the Duke’s ward.

That gave her, what, a good ten or twelve years, right? Until Ward was too old for a governess?

She shook away the sudden chill, determined to look on the positives. Mayhap the Duke and his intended would have children of their own someday, adorable little girls to dress in the latest mode and charming boys to chastise for climbing on the furniture. She could stay on as governess to their little darlings.

A single tear tracked down her English-rose cheek, and she quickly brushed it away. Only here, in the quiet solitude of the nursery, could she admit the truth, even to herself.

She was in desperate love with His Grace, and would be until the day she died.

Hopefully long after Ward reached his majority, of course.

She resolutely pushed away her maudlin thoughts. Far better to focus on the positive, she always said. For instance, the return of the Duke to his home.

His uncle had been furious at his disappearance, storming around Netherloin, waving a glass of sherry as he ranted. None of it made sense, something about ducks and valets, so Miss Fitzgerald had taken Ward and wisely hidden the both of them in the nursery whenever the gentleman was on a tear.

Thankfully, the Duke’s uncle had apparently forgotten they were even part of the household, until yesterday when he’d burst through the entryway shouting that the lost heir had been found. Then he’d pressed her into service in the kitchen.

The joy at having the Duke returned had taken the sting out of being mistaken for a … a… server.

She shuddered briefly at the thought.

Still, it was good to have the Duke back home at Netherloin at last. Difficult as it was to be so near to him, knowing she would never be his, it was far preferable to wondering if he was safe out on the high seas.

Someday perhaps he would share the story of his adventures with her. In her mind’s eye, she could see him standing atop a sailing vessel, the wind tossing his glossy dark locks, his narrow-eyed gaze fixed on the horizon. How brave! How dashing! How romantic…

She sighed again, pressing her forehead to the cool glass. The joy of his return was tempered by the fact that his betrothed had joined them in the welcome home celebration. She was never one to denigrate other members of the fairer sex, but in this case she’d make an exception. That loathsome woman – so grasping, so vulgar. A man like the Duke needed someone sweet, someone loving, someone who would adore him forever.

Someone like…

No. She could not even think it. It was impossible.

And it would be agonizing to stay on here after the Duke married his fiancée. To watch the two of them strolling the grounds hand in hand, gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes, feeding each other bits of venison at supper…

The door to the nursery opened and she dashed another tear off her glistening eyelashes. “Good morning, your Grace,” she said as she turned around. Then, realizing it wasn’t the Duke, she pulled herself out of an awkward curtsey without tumbling to the ground completely.

She counted it as a win.

“Good morning, Miss Fitzgerald,” Ward said, peering at her closely. “I say, are you all right?”

“Perfectly fine, thank you, Ward.” She glided briskly to the classroom area of the nursery and picked a book up off the table. “Are you ready for today’s lesson?”

He followed her across the room, frowning at the book in her hand. “Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue?”

She thrust the book behind her, hiding it in the voluminous folds of her overskirt. “Oh, my. I wonder how that ended up in here.”

Ward leaned forward, peering at her face. “I say, Miss Fitzgerald, you’ve been crying.”

“Pish posh and nonsense,” she said, patting him on the head. “Governesses never cry.”

“And glad I am to hear of it,” a low voice murmured from behind her.

Both Julia and Ward turned in unison. Julia’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of His Grace lounging against the doorframe, his hair rakishly dipping over one eye. He looked…dangerous.

Clearly, his time at sea had changed him in more ways than the obvious.

****

He had not intended to visit the nursery today.

Truth be told, he had not even known he had a nursery. But the oily Wickham had disappeared earlier that morn and Westley knew it was one of the only opportunities to search for his dear Brigid.

She had to be missing him by now. And what if she was hungry?

He had walked quietly through the halls of this great house, opening doors and trying not to focus too much on how his darling Brigid must be suffering right now.

And at the end of yet another long, dark, confusing hallway, he’d opened yet another door, and stumbled upon this vision of domesticity and geniality.

He should have closed the door again and continued on. It was clearly an area of the household outside the Duke’s purview. The young man standing next to the table was too old to be Colin’s son.

Wasn’t he?

Oh, blast it all, was he now supposed to be a father, too? This could be awkward. The boy might notice if his father apparently didn’t know who he was.

Mentally cursing that fopdoodle nobleman for thrusting him into this role without the knowledge he needed to be convincing, he took a step back, then froze to the spot when his gaze fell upon the vision in a simple cotton dress.

He blinked, then blinked again. What was the lovely server from last night doing in the nursery?

Her golden hair shone like treasure in the dappled light streaming through the window. Her peaches and cream complexion looked good enough to nibble upon. And if he closed his eyes and drew in a breath, he could almost smell the tempting scent of perfectly roasted meat.

It was far too enticing to tear himself away.

And so he spoke, and she turned, and it was as if time stood still. Such delicacy! Such grace! Such sweet disposition!

“So lovely of you to condescend to visit us, Your Grace,” she said, dropping into a perfect curtsey.

“He visits us every day, Miss Fitzgerald,” interjected the young man. “Or at least he did, before he went away.”

She frowned at the boy. “That was before.” Her gaze softened, turned far-away. “An adventure at sea can change a man.”

Inwardly, Westley snorted. She had no idea.

“Come in, please,” she said, sweeping one arm to indicate the room. “We are honored by your presence.”

The boy rolled his eyes. “I’m sure his tenants would say the same thing,” he muttered. “If they ever had the opportunity.”

Westley ignored him. Children should be seen and not heard, you know. Though he wouldn’t mind if they skipped the whole “being seen” part as well.

“I cannot wait to hear all about your time away from land,” Miss Fitzgerald continued. “Did you meet any real pirates?”

Pirates?

Perhaps the woman was touched in the head.

“I know you were naught but the perfect gentleman, regardless,” she breathed, her eyes alight.

Perfect gentleman?

Now he knew she was slightly addlepated.

But ravishing nonetheless.

“I do so wish I could share the smallest details of my adventures with you, my dear,” he lied smoothly. “But afraid that’s not possible. Pirate’s code and all.”

She nodded, her golden tresses bouncing around her shoulders. “Of course, your grace,” she said. “I should have thought of that.”

“Pirate’s code?” The boy shook his head. “Never heard of it.”

“Of course you haven’t,” Westley-now-Colin retorted. “You’ve never been to sea on a pirate ship, have you?”

Miss Fitzgerald patted the young man on his head. “Now, now, Ward,” she said. “You’ll have your chance for adventure. Someday. A long, long time from now.”

“How did your uncle find you, your Grace?” The boy rocked back on his heels, head cocked. “If you were at sea, that is.”

“Shore leave,” the false Duke muttered. “Don’t you have a lesson to study?”

Ward sighed and took a book out of Miss Fitzgerald’s hands. “Yes, your Grace.” Then he slumped into a chair and began to read.

The former highwayman stepped closer to the golden beauty. “How did you come to be a governess, my dear?”

She blinked. “Well, it came about quite suddenly several years ago, your Grace. See, my loving parents died in an unfortunate milking accident, leaving me penniless…”

“Shouldn’t you already know this?”

Westley glared at the young whippersnapper. Then he turned back to the lovely lady.

“No, I meant, last night you served our meal, and today you are teaching this charming young man,” he said.

“Oh, that was due to the celebration,” she said, her eyes suddenly downcast.

“Celebration?”

“Your return, of course! And your… your engagement.” Her voice stumbled over the final statement.

Truth be told, he had completely forgotten about his betrothed.

He had even forgotten about Brigid for a moment!

“Oh, that.” He glanced around the room, hoping to catch a glimpse of his beloved ferret. Alas, it was not to be. “Yes, I suppose that a celebration was in order. Kind of you to pitch in.”

“It’s just so wonderful to have you back at home, your Grace.” She gazed adoringly at him.

He could get used to that.

Perhaps she would be willing to help him locate Brigid. She seemed a trustworthy sort.

Taking her by the elbow, he steered her across the room, away from the keen ears and prying eyes of the irritating young man at the table.

Her breath hitched, making her bosom swell appealingly. Far more appealing than that unfortunate woman he was apparently meant to marry.

“My dear, I have a favor to ask,” he said in a low voice.

She leaned forward, eyes wide. “Anything, your Grace.”

“I’m afraid I’m in a bit of a pickle, you see.” He glanced around. “I want to propose—“

“Yes!” She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “I accept!”

Westley blinked, his mouth dropping open. Apparently, his attempt to enlist her assistance in locating his ferret had resulted in gaining a spare fiancée.

He had a feeling Wickham would not be amused.

*****

Tune in next week for chapter six, In which Innocence is Plundered and the dire Threat of Ruination looms, and in which Jealousie rears its Head along with various and sundry other Head-Rearings

Click here to read chapter four.

Click here to read chapter six.

Click here to read from the beginning.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

When Good Characters Go Bad

Okay, in my last post here, way back on May 18th, I referenced another blog post, one I thought had been written by Meg. Apparently, I  totally dreamed this blog post up. However, it was a really good post, so I think she should write it anyway. Just sayin.

I'm about to reference another post and so, for the benefit of those of you who might be concerned that I'm once again imagining things, let me just say: Not this time, baby. This time I'm prepared. In today's post I'll be referencing one of Kate's blog posts, which you can find HERE .

 Okay, now that that's out of the way....

By now, it's been a few weeks since Castle's season finale so hopefully this post is not going to be in the nature of a spoiler for anyone. If you watch the show and haven't seen that episode yet, however, be forewarned; you're not going to like this post. But, then again, you probably won't like the episode either. I sure didn't.

A few days after the episode aired, I was chatting with an author friend of mine about whether or not it was necessary for an author to telegraph the fact ahead of time when an initially good-guy-seeming character was about to go off the rails. Or, rather, when an initially-good-guy-seeming character is about to be revealed as having been duplicitous, manipulative, murdering scum (in short, anything but good) all along.

My friend pointed to Castle as an example of how it was okay to pull this kind of stunt. I, of course, violently disagreed. Hence this post...which I'm writing in lieu of my overdue second chapter for Love's Savage Whiplash. So--shhh!--now you all know. ;)

Anyway, my point is this: Life in SeriesTelevisionLandia does not follow the same rules that govern most other forms of fiction. There are contract disputes to consider, as well as rating slumps, time-slot jumps, surprise cancellations...or the ever entertaining possibility of actors-acting-badly. *cough* Charlie Sheen *cough* Not to mention the occasional actor who is inconsiderate enough to actually fall sick or die during filming.

Really, what are they thinking?

I don't for a single minute believe that the writers of Castle are to blame for the mess that was this last episode. I'm sure they had no idea at the beginning of the series what they would be asked to do with Captain Montgomery's character. It's not their fault that they had to scramble around at the last minute...or the last few episodes...tacking odd bits of dialogue into otherwise sensible scripts. Throwing in small, seemingly pointless scenes that--even at the time--seemed to have no other purpose than a blatant attempt at foreshadowing. And, worst of all, trying to backtrack. Putting into a character's mouth words that should never have had a place there--not if anything that occurred over the course of the previous two seasons was anything to go by!

There was one scene in that episode that really spoke to me though. It took place in an alley behind a bar. Ryan and Espisito were nearly incoherent with frustration and disbelief about what Montgomery was doing...or had done...or whatever.

It was, IMO, the best scene in the episode...by which I mean to say, it was the only scene that didn't leave me scratching my head in confusion. I figure one of two things occurred. Either the actors were  adlibbing--giving voice to their own emotions about how screwed up the show had suddenly become. OR...the writers had inserted this scene, intentionally, in a last-ditch attempt to vent their own impotent rage and telegraph their annoyance at what they were being forced to do.

Either way, that scene worked for me the way the rest of the episode did not...and I'm not even going to discuss the insane plot holes and contrivances and sheer insanity that surrounded the ultimate denouement. Other than to say...really? We're supposed to believe Beckett couldn't take Castle in hand-to-hand combat? We're supposed to believe she didn't arrest him on the spot for obstruction of justice? Uh...yeah. I don't think so.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Guest Blogger Maureen O. Betita - Map? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Map!


Thanks to you ladies for inviting me to visit! I will strive to be entertaining. And if I’m not terribly entertaining, I do work as a bartender on the Romance Writer’s Revenge, so I can always get you all merrily drunk.

I strive to please. Generally.

I’m presenting laboring in the editing process for my second full length book, The Chameleon Goggles, the second in my Kraken’s Caribbean trilogy. And I don’t always please my editor… Yet, somehow, we do come to agreement and yes, she’s usually, mostly, always right. Damn it.

We made it work with the first book, The Kraken’s Mirror and will do so with the this one and the third, The Pirate Circus.

I didn’t set out to write a trilogy. Then again, I seldom set out to write anything with a broad future in mind. I am the consummate pantser. In fact, I’m more the throw-myself-off-a-cliff-and-hope-the-rocket-pants-fire-up-before-I-hit-the-ground-in-a-big-messy-blot type of writer. My flight patterns likely resemble one of those annoying dotted lines in cartoons where the characters set out for Albuquerque and end up in Timbuktu.

But it’s one hell of a fun trip! (I see the most amazing things!)

For example, one of my beta readers for The Kraken’s Mirror e-mailed me about three chapters into the book and asked… “Do you really need the vampires and werewolves?”

*snort!

I mean, come on! Do I really need them? Well, duh! (Okay, not particularly, but I liked having a world where creatures like this are simply part of the background. They don’t really feature in the storyline (of book number one) as muy importante, but…they are colorful.) And haven’t we all dreamt of the practical uses these creatures could have?

(I even wrote a short called the One Night Diet about a fat sucking vampire. Man, he’d be soooooo popular! But I digress.) (I do that a lot. Might be all the rum…) (It’s here http://gotromancemusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-night-diet.html if you’d like to read it…) ;-)

I wanted my alternate pirate world of Tortuga to present a home away from home for all that I love and even find annoying about the present world of fiction. Hence…vampires as the primary defense against invasion. Werewolves that live in the forest and get along with everyone. (The vampires have a castle, high up on the hills, btw.) Zombies? Well, they live in the swamp. They don’t eat brains, but live on lichens and mosses. They collect ingredients for the local magic woman and are harmless, being lost souls who head to the swamp when tired of life.

Tortuga has portals to other worlds, so it isn’t unusual for a pair of sightseeing steampunk garbed people to wander through or jump-suited humans from the future. And the refuse from other worlds wash up on these shores. My main character, a woman who fell through a portal from present day San Francisco, is astounded to find working blenders at the bar and jugglers using rubix cubes in their acts.

Yes, I did make up some rules, so it doesn’t totally slide into anarchy. But they are pirates, so there is always some anarchy. ;-)

My pièce-de-résistance is my Great Albino Kraken…a monstrous beast of legend who protects the Caribbean from the more nefarious things that could slip through those portals. He’s also a bit of a romantic. He sets the trilogy in motion by bringing Emily to Tortuga, where she meets up with the cursed pirate, Captain Silvestri. They were such fun to write. Passionate, sexy, daring… I could go on and on and on. (Did I mention she’s 53 and he’s 65? Yup, me…the big rule breaker of the romance list of rules about what will sell.)

Yes, on the Revenge I’m known as the writing pirate who often ends up dangling from tangled plotlines high above the deck. Usually upside down.

This may be why I drink.

But it always ends up working out. I slip a knife, cut what is creating the tangle and weave a nice tight story out of what is left. And nothing is ever really wasted. (I also recycle. I am a Californian!)

What rules do you like to break with crossing the genre lines? Or even better, like to see broken? Let’s run amok!

Stealing…errr…liberating the critters from one world and tossing them together like me? (I’ve given up on a genre classification and am calling myself the mother of Piratepunk.) Join me in the rebellion and sail the seas of romance with an eye ta takin’ what ya likes and makin’ it yer own!

(For those do-gooders out there…all during the month of Jane, The Kraken’s Mirror is the Read for the Cure title at Decadent Publishing. This means all proceeds from the on-site sales for June go toward fighting cancer. So do good! Buy the book!)

Maureen lives along the lovely Monterey Bay and finds great inspiration in being

so near the Pacific Ocean. She shares her home with Stephen, her high school

sweetheart, married for over 30 years; a cat named Isabeau and a dog named

Bonnie. She travels miles and miles to attend pirate festivals, renaissance fairs,

scifi/fantasy conventions, steampunk cons, writing conferences and the occasional

NASCAR race.

Visit Maureen at:

www.maureenobetita.com

~or~

http://romancewritersrevenge.com/

Monday, June 6, 2011

What's So Funny?


I recently read an article in The New Yorker about Anna Faris, the actress most famous for The House Bunny and the Scary Movie franchise. Faris is moving up in the movie hierarchy as a comic actress, but she’s coming up against a widely held Hollywood maxim: Women aren’t funny.

The author of the article gets several male comedy directors to agree on this idea, although none of them comes out and says so in so many words. But the most telling statement, in my opinion, came from Keenan Ivory Wayans. The problem with women, he suggested, is that they have too much vanity to be funny. They’re not willing to debase themselves for a laugh the way Will Ferrell is.

Consider the subtext here. If you want to be funny, you have to debase yourself. I think the fundamental problem here is the definition of “funny.” From what I can tell in movies from Judd Apatow and his buds, “funny” is defined as whatever it takes to make a twelve-year-old boy laugh. That means, mainly, bodily fluids: pee, poop, semen, and vomit. Oceans of vomit, in fact. The more vomit you can work into a movie, the funnier it is, at least by this definition.

I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say most women aren’t nearly as into bodily fluids as twelve-year-old boys. But the idea that this somehow makes women less funny than men is, to put it mildly, a limited definition of humor.

Anyone who thinks women aren’t capable of physical humor has never watched an episode of I Love Lucy. Moreover, although movies are dominated by the twelve-year-old boy principle, television is full of funny women: Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski, Courtney Cox, Busy Phillips, Patricia Heaton, Sofia Vergara, Julie Bowen, Martha Plimpton—and those are just some of the ones who are on current shows.

But according to the article, that’s because the target audience for television is female, while the target audience for movies is the coveted eighteen-to-thirty-year-old male. These guys, according to Hollywood wisdom, make the decisions about what movies get seen and they hate romantic comedies since they usually star unfunny women.

I don’t know what to do with this idea. It’s so clearly flawed you’d think people would notice. Yet every time a female-oriented comedy succeeds, there’s always an explanation. If It’s Complicated makes money, it’s because there hadn’t been a movie about an older woman for a while. Julie and Julia? Part of the cooking craze. Something’s Got To Give? People came to see Jack Nicholson.

So what do we do? Here’s a suggestion. The next time your male SO suggests going to a movie that’s known for its projectile vomiting contest scene, say you’d rather not. The only way the studios are going to get the idea that women’s comedies are as legitimate as men’s is if we stop letting ourselves get dragged to these things. Oh, and try renting His Gal Friday. Rosalind Russell in her prime—now there was a funny woman.

So what’s your take on this? Are twelve-year-old boys funnier than adult women? Or, to take a less loaded question, do you like male-oriented comedies or do you tolerate them to keep the peace?