



I recently got asked the question: which of my characters is my favorite? My mother used to face this same question from me and my three siblings. She always answered that she couldn’t possibly choose, that she loved us all equally. Each of us kids, in our secret hearts, believed she loved us the best, and just didn’t want to hurt the others’ feelings. After all, mothers aren’t supposed to pick one child to love the most. But what about authors? Can we pick one character over the others? Aren’t we supposed to love them all?
Well, of course … but I’m here to admit that I do have a favorite character. I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings, so please, Characters from My Other Books, put your fingers in your ears and say lalalala...
Dana Arthur, resident of Low-Life, Long Island, receptionist of the firm Cowell & Dirk, heroine of Training the Receptionist and Restraining the Receptionist, out tomorrow, is my secret favorite. It’s a good thing I gave birth to her only in a metaphorical sense. If she were my child, she’d probably drive me crazy. She’s sassy, street-savvy, addicted to tattoos, has a problem with authority, not much regard for rules, and a spirit of adventure that gets her into trouble, especially when it comes to her two sexy bosses, Simon Dirk and Ethan Cowell.
Dana is such fun to write – I love every moment I spend on my Receptionist books. She’s daring, unafraid to test her own limits if it will bring her pleasure. She’s a survivor who doesn’t expect anything to be handed to her – but looks at the world with her own wry, sarcastically offkilter way.
Restraining the Receptionist is out tomorrow, but you can pre-order it here at the Samhain site or … you can leave a comment and be entered into a drawing for a copy in the format of your choice! In the meantime, here’s the blurb and an adult-ish excerpt. Enjoy!
Every deal has a loophole.
Restraining the Receptionist
© 2011 Juniper Bell
…the Receptionist, Book 2
Dana Arthur’s new job with the firm of Cowell & Dirk is going well. Translation: the occasionally kinky ménage with her two bosses, Ethan and Simon, has been several months of politically incorrect bliss.
Except the relationship feels unbalanced. While Ethan is the undisputed master, the partners’ iron-clad agreement stipulates that Simon must be present as she performs her “duties”. And she senses there’s a subtle, powerful tug-of-war developing for more than just her body.
Simon had agreed to share the firm’s fiery, sensually daring receptionist…to a point. With Simon out of town, Ethan plans a feast of erotic temptations designed to have Dana begging him to break the deal. He didn’t realize his heart would be a casualty.
Once she surrenders to his wicked demands, Dana realizes there’s no going back. It’s time for a three-way renegotiation…this time, all or nothing.
Warning: NSFW!! Do Not Try This at Your Job. Contains highly inappropriate workplace behavior including m/f/m, m/m, bondage, creative use of office space and a high-stakes trip to Atlantic City.
Enjoy the following excerpt for Restraining the Receptionist:
My unpredictable number one boss showed up in a new mood the next day. I’d never seen him light-hearted before. Now that I had an idea about his history, not a big surprise. But that’s exactly how he seemed when he breezed into the office. He wore casual clothes, blue jeans and a light blue open-collared shirt that made his eyes look like summer without the smog.
“I’ve got no pesky clients today, luv,” he told me, without pausing by my desk to check my outfit, which he usually did. “I’d like you to order us a picnic lunch.”
“Huh?”
“Picnic. You have those in America, right? Or are they banned in the great state of New York?”
“We have them, but you can’t even spread out a blanket without kicking aside a stray used needle or two.” As soon as I said it I remembered the heroin. “I…I’m sorry,” I stammered.
But my thoughtless reference didn’t make him miss a beat. “A little local color will add to the experience, I’m sure. Handle the details and we’ll go around noon.”
Did a picnic violate the terms of our deal? Ethan and I would be doing something outside of work, just the two of us, something intimate. Almost like a date. But he hadn’t suggested anything physical. It was lunch. We both had to eat, right? It seemed perfectly harmless.
Since I was working from the company petty cash fund, I called up the neighborhood yuppie café where they served giant organic sandwiches. On my budget, I would have gone for a Subway footlong. But Ethan would no doubt demand something better.
We held our picnic on a concrete bench in a sweltering park a few blocks away from the office. Dog walkers and stroller-pushers, listless from the heat, wandered by now and then, but otherwise we were alone. The humid heat pressed on us like a steam iron. My hair stuck to my cheeks as I bit into my upscale sandwich.
Ethan didn’t comment on the slabs of free-range chicken that had probably been hand-raised and read bedtime stories before being slaughtered and inserted into a sandwich. He did remove the unruly mound of bean sprouts and toss it to a nearby pigeon. The pigeon pecked at the stuff, clucked scornfully and waddled the other direction.
I couldn’t help giggling at Ethan’s wounded expression. “I wouldn’t take it personally,” I told him. “He’s a New York pigeon. He’s used to eating dog crap.”
He chuckled. “Have you lived here your whole life, Dana?”
The sheer ordinariness of the question unnerved me. “Well, except for that semester abroad in Paris, and the year I spent in Fiji with the Peace Corps. I’m joking,” I added, when he didn’t laugh.
“Oh. Well, I’m certainly familiar with your sense of humor, but I confess I don’t understand the joke. You could have done those things.”
I let out a spurt of laughter that startled the pigeon. “I had other things to do.”
“Like what?”
“Like dodge my father’s fists after a drinking binge.”
“Ah.” Ethan didn’t show sympathy or disapproval or anything else. He chewed on his stack of multi-grain goodness. “And your mother?”
“No clue. My father always said she ran away, but for all I know he has her body dismembered in a freezer somewhere.”
That earned me a sharp taste of Blue Fury.
“I’m kidding. I have a dark sense of humor. My father’s not that bad. And my stepmother would have gone for poison instead.”
A crack of laughter from Ethan. “You really are something, you know that? You fascinate me.”
I filled my mouth with sandwich so I didn’t have to answer that. I was very much afraid the fascination was mutual. We settled into a munching, digesting kind of silence. He had one ankle crossed over the opposite knee, and occasionally his bent leg would brush against mine. Every time it happened, a little jolt of awareness zinged straight to my groin. Did he know it was happening? Was he doing it deliberately?
“Your knee keeps touching me.”
“Does it?” He didn’t move away.
“That’s against the rules.”
“So sorry.” But he didn’t look sorry. He looked entirely unconcerned, even though he moved his knee away. “One of these days we must write these rules down. For instance, is all physical contact forbidden while Simon is away, or only that of a sexual nature?”
Lord, why did he have to say “sexual” with that spark in his eyes and that slant of his eyebrow? It wasn’t fair, damn it.
“Another example. I’ve been longing to tell you how delicious you look today and how the shadow of your nipples through the fabric of your blouse keeps drawing my eyes. But is verbal praise also off-limits, since I’d be unable to keep it G-rated, I’m afraid?”
“You can’t see my nipples through my blouse!” I looked down to make sure.
“Oh, yes, I can. I know what they’re doing right now. They’re just beginning to stir to life. You’re probably feeling a pleasant prickling as they become engorged. I’ve realized something about you, you know. The sound of my voice has a powerful effect on you.”
So right he was. I tried to block out his voice. Might as well try to stop the Hudson River.
“In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if I could bring you to orgasm just with my voice. I wouldn’t have to touch you at all. All I’d have to do is tell you what I wanted to do to you. I’d tell you how much I want to bend you over this bench and take you in the open air. Or how much I’d like to tie you to that birch tree over there, open your blouse and bring you to orgasm with my fist up your cunt. Sure, someone might see. For instance, those three fellows playing Frisbee over there. It’s entirely possible they’d start to notice when I tied your hands behind the tree and ripped off your blouse. Maybe they’d even come running to your rescue.”
His gravelly voice hypnotized me so I could practically picture the scene. My body melted into a shivery puddle of craving.
“And then, of course, I’d have no choice but to invite them to join us, either as witnesses or participants. They look like red-blooded, able-bodied, clean-cut gentlemen, nothing to fear. I’d have to convince them you were willing. More than willing. Eager. I’d have to show them how wet you already were, just from having your breasts exposed. You like being exposed, don’t you?”
“Stop,” I murmured. This was going into an area we’d never touched. Other men had had no place in our games so far.
As soon as I told him to stop, he did. And as soon as he did, I wanted him to start again. After all, what was the harm? He was going there in imagination only.
“Well…” I cleared my throat. “Would you let them touch my breasts?”
“I’d give them a chance, see how they behaved. Not just anyone gets to touch my Dana. Our Dana, I should say.”
I winced at the reminder of the absent Simon. But I was too caught up in Ethan’s hypothetical scenario to be bothered for long.
“Our Dana’s luscious nipples deserve nothing other than sweet tender care. Long, lingering suckles. Perhaps a man to each nipple, and one to jerk himself off as he watches. That should get you started, I’d say. You’d be making those adorable little whimpering sounds. But perhaps I’d begin to sense that you want more, that you need the grip of cold metal on your flesh.”
The image made my belly clench with need. My nipples were as hard as the bench we sat on. I thought I would suffocate if this went on much longer. I turned a pleading look on him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of nipple clamps.
This was way over the line, totally against our rules, but I banished that thought from my mind. I nodded, biting my lip. I didn’t care who watched as he reached inside my blouse and fastened the silver clips to my nipples. The sweet pain of it made me sag against him and sigh. Exquisite relief flooded me. I leaned against him as if he were a boulder. When I looked down, the clips were clearly visible through my blouse. But I didn’t care. Ethan would take care of me.
Thanks for celebrating Release Day with me one day early!
Juniper
Sometimes when a relationship ends, I can't decide which is worse: the pain of the breakup, or the pain of charging back into the dating game.
In Which a Fair but Penniless Governess longs for the Heart of a nefarious Highwayman pretending to be a Duke, though he is Betrothed to another

Thanks to you ladies for inviting me to visit! I will strive to be entertaining. And if I’m not terribly entertaining, I do work as a bartender on the Romance Writer’s Revenge, so I can always get you all merrily drunk.
I strive to please. Generally.
I’m presenting laboring in the editing process for my second full length book, The Chameleon Goggles, the second in my Kraken’s Caribbean trilogy. And I don’t always please my editor… Yet, somehow, we do come to agreement and yes, she’s usually, mostly, always right. Damn it.
We made it work with the first book, The Kraken’s Mirror and will do so with the this one and the third, The Pirate Circus.
I didn’t set out to write a trilogy. Then again, I seldom set out to write anything with a broad future in mind. I am the consummate pantser. In fact, I’m more the throw-myself-off-a-cliff-and-hope-the-rocket-pants-fire-up-before-I-hit-the-ground-in-a-big-messy-blot type of writer. My flight patterns likely resemble one of those annoying dotted lines in cartoons where the characters set out for Albuquerque and end up in Timbuktu.
But it’s one hell of a fun trip! (I see the most amazing things!)
For example, one of my beta readers for The Kraken’s Mirror e-mailed me about three chapters into the book and asked… “Do you really need the vampires and werewolves?”
*snort!
I mean, come on! Do I really need them? Well, duh! (Okay, not particularly, but I liked having a world where creatures like this are simply part of the background. They don’t really feature in the storyline (of book number one) as muy importante, but…they are colorful.) And haven’t we all dreamt of the practical uses these creatures could have?
(I even wrote a short called the One Night Diet about a fat sucking vampire. Man, he’d be soooooo popular! But I digress.) (I do that a lot. Might be all the rum…) (It’s here http://gotromancemusings.blogspot.com/2011/01/one-night-diet.html if you’d like to read it…) ;-)
I wanted my alternate pirate world of Tortuga to present a home away from home for all that I love and even find annoying about the present world of fiction. Hence…vampires as the primary defense against invasion. Werewolves that live in the forest and get along with everyone. (The vampires have a castle, high up on the hills, btw.) Zombies? Well, they live in the swamp. They don’t eat brains, but live on lichens and mosses. They collect ingredients for the local magic woman and are harmless, being lost souls who head to the swamp when tired of life.
Tortuga has portals to other worlds, so it isn’t unusual for a pair of sightseeing steampunk garbed people to wander through or jump-suited humans from the future. And the refuse from other worlds wash up on these shores. My main character, a woman who fell through a portal from present day San Francisco, is astounded to find working blenders at the bar and jugglers using rubix cubes in their acts.
Yes, I did make up some rules, so it doesn’t totally slide into anarchy. But they are pirates, so there is always some anarchy. ;-)
My pièce-de-résistance is my Great Albino Kraken…a monstrous beast of legend who protects the Caribbean from the more nefarious things that could slip through those portals. He’s also a bit of a romantic. He sets the trilogy in motion by bringing Emily to Tortuga, where she meets up with the cursed pirate, Captain Silvestri. They were such fun to write. Passionate, sexy, daring… I could go on and on and on. (Did I mention she’s 53 and he’s 65? Yup, me…the big rule breaker of the romance list of rules about what will sell.)
Yes, on the Revenge I’m known as the writing pirate who often ends up dangling from tangled plotlines high above the deck. Usually upside down.
This may be why I drink.
But it always ends up working out. I slip a knife, cut what is creating the tangle and weave a nice tight story out of what is left. And nothing is ever really wasted. (I also recycle. I am a Californian!)
What rules do you like to break with crossing the genre lines? Or even better, like to see broken? Let’s run amok!
Stealing…errr…liberating the critters from one world and tossing them together like me? (I’ve given up on a genre classification and am calling myself the mother of Piratepunk.) Join me in the rebellion and sail the seas of romance with an eye ta takin’ what ya likes and makin’ it yer own!
(For those do-gooders out there…all during the month of Jane, The Kraken’s Mirror is the Read for the Cure title at Decadent Publishing. This means all proceeds from the on-site sales for June go toward fighting cancer. So do good! Buy the book!)
Maureen lives along the lovely Monterey Bay and finds great inspiration in being
so near the Pacific Ocean. She shares her home with Stephen, her high school
sweetheart, married for over 30 years; a cat named Isabeau and a dog named
Bonnie. She travels miles and miles to attend pirate festivals, renaissance fairs,
scifi/fantasy conventions, steampunk cons, writing conferences and the occasional
NASCAR race.
Visit Maureen at:
www.maureenobetita.com
~or~
http://romancewritersrevenge.com/

I recently read an article in The New Yorker about Anna Faris, the actress most famous for The House Bunny and the Scary Movie franchise. Faris is moving up in the movie hierarchy as a comic actress, but she’s coming up against a widely held Hollywood maxim: Women aren’t funny.
The author of the article gets several male comedy directors to agree on this idea, although none of them comes out and says so in so many words. But the most telling statement, in my opinion, came from Keenan Ivory Wayans. The problem with women, he suggested, is that they have too much vanity to be funny. They’re not willing to debase themselves for a laugh the way Will Ferrell is.
Consider the subtext here. If you want to be funny, you have to debase yourself. I think the fundamental problem here is the definition of “funny.” From what I can tell in movies from Judd Apatow and his buds, “funny” is defined as whatever it takes to make a twelve-year-old boy laugh. That means, mainly, bodily fluids: pee, poop, semen, and vomit. Oceans of vomit, in fact. The more vomit you can work into a movie, the funnier it is, at least by this definition.
I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say most women aren’t nearly as into bodily fluids as twelve-year-old boys. But the idea that this somehow makes women less funny than men is, to put it mildly, a limited definition of humor.
Anyone who thinks women aren’t capable of physical humor has never watched an episode of I Love Lucy.
Moreover, although movies are dominated by the twelve-year-old boy principle, television is full of funny women: Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski, Courtney Cox, Busy Phillips, Patricia Heaton, Sofia Vergara, Julie Bowen, Martha Plimpton—and those are just some of the ones who are on current shows.
But according to the article, that’s because the target audience for television is female, while the target audience for movies is the coveted eighteen-to-thirty-year-old male. These guys, according to Hollywood wisdom, make the decisions about what movies get seen and they hate romantic comedies since they usually star unfunny women.
I don’t know what to do with this idea. It’s so clearly flawed you’d think people would notice. Yet every time a female-oriented comedy succeeds, there’s always an explanation. If It’s Complicated makes money, it’s because there hadn’t been a movie about an older woman for a while. Julie and Julia? Part of the cooking craze. Something’s Got To Give? People came to see Jack Nicholson.
So what do we do? Here’s a suggestion. The next time your male SO suggests going to a movie that’s known for its projectile vomiting contest scene, say you’d rather not. The only way the studios are going to get the idea that women’s comedies are as legitimate as men’s is if we stop letting ourselves get dragged to these things. Oh, and try renting His Gal Friday. Rosalind Russell in her prime—now there was a funny woman.
So what’s your take on this? Are twelve-year-old boys funnier than adult women? Or, to take a less loaded question, do you like male-oriented comedies or do you tolerate them to keep the peace?