Orgasmic Wombs and the Penises That Poke Them

Note: Kinsey's short story, No Last Call, was supposed to run today, the last in the Nine Nights in New Orleans series. 

But Kinsey can't telling a fucking story in under 20,000 words and missed her deadline, despite a one month reprieve. She's ashamed and remorseful, but that doesn't change the fact that her story is  finished but not, like, arranged and stuff. It will run on Saturday. (Whoo hoo! Now you have something to look forward to! Or not.)

In the meantime, she's going to rant about something that bugs her.

Has anyone else noticed the way uteruses have been featured in the sex scenes of romance novels lately, especially the historical ones? Maybe clenching wombs have always been popular in romance novels and I never noticed.

I just find it weird, and a little disturbing. I know how hard it is to keep coming up with new and lyrical ways to describe the mechanics of orgasm. You want to give your readers something besides the technical description of moving parts – his hand went there, her leg did this, he got hard, she got wet. You want to describe your characters’ emotions and their internal sensations.

But since when is the womb part of the orgasm package?

I think I remember reading that during orgasm, the womb contracts a little. It helps the sperm get where it needs to be.

An actual Artistic depiction of an orgasm. Can't remember, or be arsed to look up, who painted it. And the horse. What is it about female sexuality and horses???

But I don’t think it’s something you’d really notice, what with everything else going on. I mean, it’s been eleven years since I had a womb, but my orgasms aren’t noticeably different from the ones I had back before the doctors erased my hard drive.

I did run across a Wikipedia entry for “uterine orgasm.” I can’t decide if it’s a joke entry or not, but I suspect it’s not, and that’s actually very funny. You can read it here .

An "apparent" orgasm of the uterus? Apparent is the word that throws me off. You either come or you don't. There's something about "apparent" and "uterus" that sounds awfully theoretical to me.

Why do so many authors describe the hero’s penis bumping up against the heroine’s womb? Yes, your typical romance hero is well hung, and yes, it is physically possible, if a guy has a really big penis and is thrusting really hard, for his cock to reach her cervix.

But -- ouch.

Some of the braver and more idiosyncratic authors – I’m thinking of Crusie here, but there are others – will sometimes write scenes where the heroine and hero have bad sex.  This is realistic, and it’s a welcome change from the formulaic romances where the hero and heroine light each other up right from the get go.

(And, for the record – I’ve never had the guts to write an unsatisfying sex scene.)

But I’m not talking about realistic, unsatisfying sex scenes. In all the sex scenes I’ve read where the cock is knocking on the womb, it’s supposed to be hot. I’m thinking “ow!” and the heroine is screaming “ooh!” I like big schlongs as much as the next girl, but there is such a thing as too big, and if a guy’s dick is bumping into your cervix, then it’s too big. Or else he’s going at you like a jackhammer, and that’s not gonna feel good, either.

The womb is a sexual organ, but it’s not an erogenous zone. Wombs are for babies. Penises go in vaginas. Or hands, or mouths, or Fleshlights, or what have you. But not baby pouches.