Monday, September 13, 2010

If Women Like It, It Must Be Stupid


Okay, now that the Zillionaire Vampire is well and truly launched, we’re back to the usual blog posts, or, in my case, blog rants.

A few weeks ago, Entertainment Weekly ran a cover story on Eat, Pray, Love the movie, and they had a sidebar interview with the book’s author, Elizabeth Gilbert. In the course of the interview, Gilbert addressed the backlash against her book and its sequel, Committed, as being somewhat gender based. The attitude, she said, seemed to be “If women like it, it must be stupid.”

I have to admit, I haven’t read Eat, Pray, Love (hey, I’ve got a lot of Nora Roberts still to get through), but that statement really struck home with me because it’s so true of the general attitude toward romance. The overwhelming majority of romance readers and writers are women, and the overwhelming majority of romance critics seem to be men. The prevailing attitude always comes down to “You read that stuff? How can you stand it? It’s, well, stupid!”

So here we are, writing in the most popular genre of popular fiction, drawing millions of readers, maybe even inspiring people who hadn’t ever read anything for fun before to pick up a book, and somehow it’s a big embarrassment. If women like it, it must be stupid.

Male critics, and some female critics who want to show they’ve grown a pair, go after romance with open derision. An author on the RWA-PAN recounted a conversation she’d had with an independent bookstore owner who, when asked if she carried romance, replied, “No I only carry good fiction.” It’s lame, it’s dumb, it’s totally…female. If women like it, it must be stupid.

I keep pointing out that this attitude is both subjective and unfair. I tell people flatly that the best romance writers are as good as or better than the best mystery and thriller and sci fi writers. It doesn’t seem to matter. My local newspaper, the Denver Post, devotes one page of book reviews every month to new mysteries and thrillers, but they’ve never reviewed a romance so far as I know (and yes, I do check—compulsively). The editors in charge of the books page and the entertainment section are both men—my guess is they share the opinion of the independent bookseller. If women like it, it must be stupid.

The Romance Writers of America have a long-standing program that tries to raise the profile and increase the respectability of the genre, including grants for academic study. The Popular Culture Association has a romance stem in which scholars can share the results of their research. But when I used to go to PCA conventions myself, the romance sessions got a lot more snickers than, say, the sci fi and horror sessions. If women like it, it must be stupid.

Maybe RWA could fund an initiative to get men to try reading romance. We could even give them plain brown book covers to use if they found it too embarrassing to be seen with a romance novel in their hands. Maybe we could get them to admit the possibility that love and sex are at least as interesting as the aliens of Galaxy 23 or the latest in high tech warfare. If women like it, it must be stupid.

I wish I had an uplifting finish here. I mean, I’m a romance writer—I believe in HEA. But I don’t see it happening. We’re stuck with the perceptions that have been foisted on us from the outside, and they seem to be pervasive. Maybe the best we can do is to keep pounding away at this cliché by personal example. Yeah, I’m a woman. Yeah, I read and write romance. And I’ll match my IQ to yours any day of the week, boyo. If women like it, it must be stupid? Fuck that!

Friday, September 10, 2010

POT BOILERS AND PLOT BUNNIES

I apologize if I just made you think of Glenn Close and boiled rabbits. I’m not talking about hot water and cottontails. I’m talking about a genre of Old Skool romances.

If you’re of a certain age – i.e., in your 40s or older – you may have read books by Shirley Conroy, Judith Krantz or Rosemary Rodgers[1]. These ladies wrote great big glitzy sprawling over the top and totally awesome books in the 70s and 80s. The books were romances, but often so much more than that. I think they were what used to be called pot boilers or romans à clef[2]; they were definitely melodramatic. They could trace their lineage (at least to my mind – I bet someone’s already written on the subject) back to Peyton Place in the 50s or Valley of the Dolls in the 60s.

It’s been years (and years) since I read Lace by Shirley Conroy, but I’ll never forget the line “Which one of you bitches is my mother?” Or the four schoolgirls’ lifelong oath of fealty to one another: “Through thick and thin, and sick and sin.” And OMG, when you finally discover who the father is…

It’s been 25 years since I read Judith Krantz’s Scruples but I still remember Billie and Vito and Spider the sexy photographer and Valentine the sexy French couturier. I remember Princess Daisy and her evil/pathetic half-brother Ram and the farting in bed scene (which I talked about here.) I never read Mistral’s Daughter because the idea of a old guy becoming lovers with his late lover’s granddaughter is just creepy. I didn’t read I’ll Take Manhattan, either, but Valerie Bertinelli was fabulous in the made-for-TV movie. (In the made-for-TV movie of Scruples, Lindsay Wagner played Billie and Barry Bostwick (yes! Barry Bostwick! Of Rocky Horror and Spin City!) played Spider. I don’t remember who played Princess Daisy, but Robert Urich played the American hero.)[3]

This was also, incidentally, the heyday of the big sprawling Old Skool historical romances, the ones that spanned oceans and continents and years. These books didn’t get hung up on historical verisimilitude or believable plots – or believable characters, for that matter. Nothing was too big or too much or too long.

Whatever the literary equivalent of scenery chewing is, it’s these books.[4] They were, as we say in Texas, bigger ‘n Dallas. Bigger ‘n Dynasty, even.

There’s something quintessentially 70s and 80s about the glitz and panorama of those books. I’m not sure their kind are written today. I can’t think of modern equivalents.[5] I guess Jackie Collins and Danielle Steele still write something like it, but not exactly. I know they still place on the bestsellers. Judith Krantz got a $5 million advance for Princess Daisy. Steele and Collins probably make that and more from every book they publish, but I don’t know if they get those kinds of advances.

What’s all this got to do with plot bunnies? Well, lately a plot bunny has been bugging the heck out of me, distracting me from my methodical plotting of a Regency and the next novella in the world of Werewolves in Love.

Oh – what’s a plot bunny? It’s an idea that pops up unbidden and unrelated to anything you’re presently working on. Sometimes a plot bunny is the vaguest outline of a hint of an idea – a boy discovers one day that his family is not who he thought they were, or a normal American housewife is living a double life.

And sometimes a plot bunny comes fully formed and ready to lead you down a whole bunch of rabbit trials.

Like…a girl from an East Texas trailer park grows up to become a supermodel, and her best friend is a fellow supermodel, a gorgeous African American woman from New Orleans, and they divide their time between New York and London, and the best friend is in love with an English ________________[6] and the heroine, the East Texas trailer park girl, is also close friends with a gay English ________________ and an extraordinarily heterosexual American ________________, and the gay English ________________’s cousin is a tall, blond, ass kicking English _______________ who’s next in line for a ____________ he doesn’t want but in the meantime he’s _________________, and the first time they do it, it’s on a yacht in Monaco because honestly, when a supermodel and a ______________ make love for the first time, it needs to be on a yacht in Monaco. I mean, you can’t do a story like this without Monaco.

(I’ve always had a thing for Monaco.)

But what do I call this? Glitter, Glamour, Diamonds – all those kinds of titles have been used a million times. “Without Love It Ain’t Much” would be awesome but I don’t want to pay royalties to Sheila E.

Huh? What’s that? Oh – you’re right. That’s one heck of a plot bunny.

Gotta go. I think there’s gonna be an orgy in an English country house…



[1] Rosemary Rogers deserves her own post, actually. Along with Kathleen Woodiwiss, she’s considered one of the godmothers of modern romance. Raise your hand if your earliest knowledge of “real” sex came from Rogers and/or Woodiwiss. Yep, me too.

[2] I don’t know what the definition of a roman à clef is, actually; I’m going to look it up as soon as I finish this post.

[3] Honestly, the stuff that sticks in my head…

[4] And that is NOT a criticism.

[5] Can you? If so, leave them in the comments.

[6] It’s so awesome I can’t let anyone know about it.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Zillionaire Vampire Cowboy's Secret Werewolf Babies



Chapter One

It was a dark and stormy night in Bloodsuck, Texas; the kind of night vampire-cowboy Rock Fangsworthy loved best. All except for the stormy part. Too much rain made the brim of his Stetson go limp. And if there was one thing Rock wasn’t, it was limp. He was rock hard, through and through, from the flinty gaze in his slate-blue eyes to the diamond tipped spurs on his custom-made, Lucchese, hand-crafted, lizard skin boots. In fact, Rock had only one soft spot, and that was for his ranch, the Double Fang.

The ranch had been in his possession for several generations; ever since he’d fled Boston at the turn of the last-century-plus-one hoping to leave his family’s nest, his disgrace, and the truth about his shameful condition behind and start life anew in that paradise on Earth known as the Texas Hill Country.

The Double Fang occupied some of the prettiest country in all of Texas, ergo the world. And as Rock rode across it tonight, he was filled to overflowing with feelings of contentment and self-satisfaction—even despite the rain and the currently questionable condition of his hat. He was master of all he surveyed. There was, in fact, only one thing marring his happiness; one burr beneath his saddle, so to speak; one blot on his otherwise blot-free horizon. The Best Little Winery in Bloodsuck.

Rock’s jaw clenched at the thought and a vein in his temple began to throb. “Grape farmers,” he growled even though there was no one to hear him but his horse, Monk. “No good, double-crossing werewolf scum.”

Rock had no use for wineries. After all, he didn’t drink…wine. He had no use for werewolves either, not since the day the Braveheart brothers—Butch and Barkley—had cheated him out of a prime parcel of land that should, by rights, have belonged to him. The pair had caught him napping during the day (an unfortunate necessity for those of his kind) and took the opportunity to mark their territory, not just in the manner of wolves, which would have been bad enough, but with stakes and flags and deed contracts—the kinds of thing the County Assessor’s Office put such child-like faith in.

Rock had tried twice to right the terrible wrong that had been done him, but both times he’d failed. His last attempt had been made shortly after Barkley, the second of the brothers to die, was killed in a routine hunting accident. He’d approached the widow Braveheart with his offer to buy her out, but had been rebuffed. Babs Braveheart might have been beautiful, but she had the brains to match her blonde good looks and was crazy to boot. She’d taken it into her head that Rock was at fault for her husband’s death.

Like anyone could be reasonably expected to distinguish between one wolf and another at a distance of several feet!

Babs had taken her revenge on Rock, sure enough. She’d made certain he didn’t get the only two things he’d ever wanted. But now the ding-dong bitch was dead, God rest her spiteful soul. Tonight, he would make his third and final offer for the winery. An offer the new owner, whoever he was, would not be able to refuse.

Rock reined his horse to a stop in the winery’s front yard and dismounted. He tied Monk to a conveniently placed grape arbor—a landscape feature that evoked sweet memories of better times. The vein in his temple throbbed harder. That arbor would be the first thing he’d have dismantled once the winery was in his possession. He smiled as he imagined herds of happy cows frolicking in the vineyards, trampling the grapes, the tender fruit turning to jelly beneath their hooves.

His spurs jingle jangle jingled in a pleasantly menacing fashion as he strode confidently up to the front door. High pitched barking noises emanated from inside the house. Rock sneered at the sound. It pleased him to think the former werewolf home now housed a passel of pocketbook dogs, even though they’d shortly be gone as well. Just as he was about to pound commandingly on the door, it was thrown open.

Rock stiffened. His jaw clenched harder. His vein throbbed. Again. “Buffi Van Pelt. I should have known you’d be back.” But, really, how could he have known something like that? Who would ever have expected that Babs and Barkley Braveheart’s granddaughter would return to the scene of their crime of passion? An awful suspicion took hold in his mind. “Don’t tell me you’re the new owner of The Best Little Winery in Bloodsuck?”

“Well, of course I'm the new owner,” she answered in flustered tones. She seemed distracted by the two puppies gamboling about at her feet. "What did you expect?"

Rock ignored her question—and the puppies. As his gaze roved over the lithe yet athletic form of the woman he’d once been foolish enough to think he might love, the years since he’d last seen her (five, at least, wasn’t it? he was almost certain it had been that long) melted away as though it had been no more than two years. Three years, tops. He took note of her strong calves, her breasts rising and falling beneath the thin T-shirt she wore, her rosy cheeks, her red lips.

Her eyes were still as blue as Texas bluebonnets. And her hair—oh, how he remembered that glossy, gold mane so similar in color and texture to the coat of the golden retriever puppy he’d loved as a child.

He’d named the puppy Rosebud and it had been his faithful companion for three-quarters of an afternoon. Until his cousin Viggo had decided to eat him for a snack. Rock could still recall the sick horror he felt when he’d come upon them in the kitchen that day; Viggo’s mouth stained red with Rosebud’s blood, the puppy’s lifeless body hanging limp in his hands…

A sharp tug on his ankle brought Rock’s mind back to the present. He looked down. Way down. Down to where the two puppies—wolf-hybrids obviously, not pocketbook dogs after all, nor Golden Retrievers either, more's the pity—were viciously attacking one of his custom-made, Lucchese hand-crafted lizard skin boots with the diamond tipped spurs.

“Shoo,” he said as he, gently but with firmness, kicked his foot in an effort to dislodge the pests.

Buffi clapped her hands. “Vlad! Ivan! Stop that this minute!” she scolded.

Rock stared at her in disbelief. She’d named her dogs after his father and grandfather? Oh, the fickle cruelty of women! Why did she not just stake him through the heart and have done with it? The vein in his temple throbbed its agreement.

***

Rock Fangsworthy. Buffi stared at the familiar yet almost forgotten hard, chiseled features of the man who’d won her heart and taken her virginity. She still could not believe he was here. Out of all the wineries in all the towns in all of Texas, he’d walked into hers.

“What do you want from me, Rock?” she asked. She was terrified she knew the answer, but how? How could Rock have possibly found out he was Vlad and Ivan’s father? Who could have told him? Surely not her grandmother! Why, Babs had hated Rock. She’d hated him as much as she’d hated grape rot, powdery mildew and glassy-winged sharpshooters all put together!

“I’m here to buy the winery, of course,” Rock answered. His words were like silver bullets, each one aimed straight at her poor broken heart. The very same heart she’d only recently finished painstakingly piecing back together. Buffi was not surprised when the overly abused organ crumbled to bits once more, falling apart like so much over-cooked liver. Her grandmother had been right. Rock had used her. He’d toyed with her affections. The winery was all he wanted, all he’d ever really wanted from her. All he ever would want.

“Well, you can’t have it, Rock. Do you hear me? The Best Little Winery in Bloodsuck is not for sale!”

Rock’s jaw clenched. The vein in his temple started to throb. Buffi was reminded of those magical nights they’d spent in her grandmother’s grape arbor. She remembered the passion they’d shared, Rock’s hard, throbbing body, his gravel-voiced excitement and her own enthusiastic licking of his face.

Damn you, Rock Fangsworthy. Damn you to hell!

“I think you should leave now, Rock,” Buffi said coldly. “There’s nothing here for you anymore.”

“This isn’t over, Buffi,” Rock promised. “You haven’t seen the last of me.”

“Oh, I think I have, Rock,” Buffi rejoined as she slammed the door in her baby daddy’s face. “I really think I have!

To be continued...Chapter 2

You can read more about this exciting serial HERE And be sure to enter our contest! Rules and information can be found HERE

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Zillionaire Vampire Cowboy’s Free nook*


So, who’s up for a little nookie?

No, no – not that kind of nookie. THIS kind of nookie:


That’s right. You, Gentle Blog Visitor, could win a nook from the Nine Naughty Novelists. All you have to do is read our steamy western paranormal category multi-part romance mashup, The Zillionaire Vampire Cowboy’s Secret Werewolf Babies.

You’ve read about Bloodsuck, the bucolic town in the heart of the heart of Texas. You’ve met some of Bloodsuck’s more colorful citizens. Now we invite you to start reading about their lives, their loves, and their love lives. And win a nook in the process.

Here’s how you do it:
Drop by every week and read an installment of ZVCSWB. A new chapter will go live every Thursday starting Sept. 9th and running until Jan. 6th.

Every comment you leave about the serial will earn you 5 entries.

Tweet about ZVCSWB using the #bloodsuck hashtag and earn 2 entries.
Every time you retweet something about ZVCSWB using the #bloodsuck hashtag, you earn 1 entry.

So, to recap:

Blog comment = 5 entries

Original tweet = 2 entries

Retweet = 1 entry
At the end we'll take all the entries, run them through through some fancy schmancy online randomizer I don't understand (ask Skylar Kade about it, she knows) and pull a winner, who we'll announce on January 9th. The more you comment, tweet and retweet, the more chances you have for winning a nook.

Good luck, and see you back here tomorrow, Thursday, Sept. 9th, for Chapter 1 of The Zillionaire Vampire Cowboy’s Secret Werewolf Babies!



*I will abide by the Barnes & Nobles’ style of non-capitalization of nook. But I won’t leave off the definite article. B&N don’t call it “the nook” – they just refer to it as nook. Bugs me. A lot.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Guest Blogger Vonna Harper - Incognito


OMG, I’m a fraud. I don’t belong here. Nine Naughty Novelists readers are going to out me and see me for the fake I am. Seriously, just look around at the women who anchor things here and what do you see? Hip, modern, with it, quick-witted, sophisticated, everything I ain’t

At least I ain’t nuttin like them other writers in person. Hopefully it’s a different story when I hide behind my writing. To clarify, I’m an old broad (no, I’m not giving that away) who lives a dismally boring and deeply satisfying life in a town that sports a single stop light. Much of my days (when I’m not wearing my mom, grandma, and wife hats) are spent up in my office staring at a dusty and lip balm smeared monitor waiting for inspiration to quit hiding in that dog-hairy corner at the other end of the room. No shoes on, hair probably still tangled from this morning’s dog walk, makeup still in the bathroom, the same shorts I had on yesterday. At least I’m wearing a bra today because I took my 91 year old mother out to lunch.

My neighbors know I write, but they don’t know what comes out of my fingers and because I don’t want to be run out of the neighborhood on a rail, I’m not going to whisper a word about the alter-ego who pounds out hot stories about the kind of sex I wish---

Oops, forget I said that. Life is what it is. Happily, fiction is whatever I want it to be. At the moment I’m coming to the end of an erotica book I owe Aphrodisia. Yesterday I left Matt and Cat naked in her bedroom with a mysterious wolf spirit waiting outside to tell Matt something that will tear his world apart. But before Ghost Wolf can deliver his message, my characters will turn their sexual relationship on its ears. Hopefully it’ll be a hell of a ride—if I can pull it off.

Their story won’t come out for at least a year so while I’m here I might as well tell you about a few things that have recently seen the light of day and hopefully prove my imagination makes up for the above-mentioned pedestrian existence.

First up is Falcon’s Captive, a print Aphrodisia book with the coolest cover Kensington has ever designed for me. As a lover and researcher of all things Native American, I drew from NA spiritual beliefs in crafting a tale about a woman who shape shifts as a falcon and the warrior who captures her. Here’s a not too well kept secret. I love writing and reading capture/hostage stories.


Just on the stands is Aphrodisia’s Sexy Beast 9, the first in the sexy beast anthology series not to have a Kate Douglas story in it. I was given lead billing, gulp. Back when Crystal Jordan, Lisa Renee Jones and I were kicking around the idea for a ‘beast’ anthology, I laid claim to white tigers ‘cause it sounded interesting. Then the concept sold and I jumped into researching white tigers. I learned some depressing stuff about the result of too much inbreeding, but believe me, there’s nothing inbred about the sexy shape shifter my intrepid zoologist finds when she goes to India. As my mother would say, hubba, hubba.

Oh shoot, I’m going to blow up my brain if I keep going this way. Suffice to say, I have three new Ellora’s Cave releases and just put my first erotica novella up on Kindle. Another first for me is a book on tape. There are three more EC stories in the pipeline, two coming out from Samhain, and a recent sale to Loose Id. All that stuff, if you’re so inclined, is on my website www.VonnaHarper.com

That’s why I’m none of the things the sexy and savvy ladies who run Nine Naughty Novelists are. It takes everything I still have of a brain just to write. And hopefully find my shoes before winter.

BTW if anyone comes up with a title for Matt and Cat’s story, I’d be eternally grateful.

Under her "real" name, Vonna Harper has published more fiction than she can keep track of . These include category romances for the major players as well as the 'juicy' stuff. She also penned a series of well-received Native American historicals. One earned her finalist status in both the Women Writing the West Willa award and Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association. Before discovering romances, both erotic and otherwise, Vonna 'confessed' all kinds of nonsense for the confession magazines.

When asked about erotica research, she insists, "Of course I've time-traveled to the ancient Everglades, infiltrated bondage strongholds, done wilderness search and rescue, and spent a night trapped in a workout gym with Mr. Universe. How can I possibly write about something I haven't experienced?"

As for day jobs, "I've been a commercial pilot, brain surgeon, worked as a white-water river guide, bee keeper, snake charmer, and garbage collector."

And if you buy all that, she'd like you to check out the bridge she has listed on eBay.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Welcome to Bloodsuck

Springtime in Bloodsuck, Bluebonnets in Bloom
On behalf of the Bloodsuck Chamber of Commerce, and in conjunction with the Bloodsuck Gazette, bringing you all the news as soon as we get to it, we'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to our friendly little town.
Located in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, which in turn is located in the heart of Texas, Bloodsuck is the heart of the heart of Texas. Yet, strange as it might seem, this vibrant community is still one of the best kept secrets in the entire Lone Star state. 


Don't believe us?

A  barn. One of many you can find here.
Well, had you ever even heard about Bloodsuck before this past week?

No. We didn't think so.


 Despite all the apparent secrecy surrounding it, the tiny but still somehow larger-than-life town of Bloodsuck has been a thriving concern for well over a century. This is due in no  small part (no pun intended) to its bounteous natural beauty, plentiful natural resources and other natural causes.
Two Cowboys ride the range at the Double Fang

Like any small town, Bloodsuck has seen its share of feuds among its citizenry. But whenever trouble has raised its ugly head and threatened to threaten  our fair town, darken our doorways and turn our blue skies gray, the Bloodsuckers have put aside their differences, risen to the occasion and banded together as one to fight adversity. 
Come. Let us show you around...
Another cowboy, possibly the elusive Rock Fangsworthy
The first stop on our tour is The Double Fang Ranch, which lays claim to the distinction of being the oldest, continually operating, working cattle ranch in all of Bloodsuck.

Or so they say.


 Set amid lush, cactus studded hills, the Double Fang seems truly a place that time forgot. In fact, visitors here frequently remark on this, saying that they feel like they've been transported back in time...although not at all in a weird, time travelly, abducted by aliens kind of way. The very air seems different here; redolent of history, mystery and cows.
Like its owner, the reclusive, elusive, and fabulously wealthy Mr. Rock Fangsworthy, the Double Fang is a venerable institution. They're both important parts of Bloodsuck heritage. 
 
The Brothers Braveheart
Of course, no trip to our little hamlet would be complete without a visit to Bloodsuck's own, Best Little Winery in Bloodsuck. A name some naysayers might say is due simply to its being the only winery in Bloodsuck. But, as any longtime resident will tell you, "that just goes to prove it!"
Wine Grapes, Ready for Harvest

Founded nearly three quarters of a century ago by the legendary (and legendarily hirsute) Braveheart brothers, Butch and Barkley, the winery property has been in the same family for three generations.

Though it has recently fallen on hard times, the current owner, the lovely Buffi Van Pelt, who inherited the winery from her grandmother, the late Mrs. Babs Braveheart, has made it her stated intention to restore the winery to its former glory.
Wine Bottles: Still better than Boxes

Good luck, Miz Van Pelt. We wish you  every success in your venture!
Adventure awaits when you  Rent-a-Burro!







One of Bloodsuck's newest and most innovative franchises, is Alejandro's Rent-a-Burro, which allows visitors to tour Bloodsuck in a unique colorful and economically feasible fashion. 
How better to explore the beauty that is greater Bloodsuck than from the back of one of these sturdy, surefooted and inexpensive little mounts?
Sticks provided at no extra charge. Carrots may be purchased separately. Ride at your own risk.

We hope you have enjoyed this virtual,  behind-the-scenes glimpse at Bloodsuck and that you'll make it a point to come back and visit with us soon.

Remember, the heart of the heart of Texas beats for you!

Welcome to Bloodsuck. Have some wine.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Who's Who in Bloodsuck, Part II

It's no secret that some of the Naughty Nine are more comfortable at writing the woo-woo paranormal stuff than others; just as some of us have a higher heat-between-the-sheets tolerance. But, to each her own and, all things considered, we get along with one another extremely well.

That is, as long as we remember to steer clear of certain verboten subjects.

*cough*boxed wine*cough*

In any collaborative venture, it's important to establish guidelines. For example, when we first started planning the Zillionaire Vampire Cowboy's Secret Werewolf Babies the non-paranormal people, quite naturally, felt a little left out until we agreed to certain rules.

Rule #1. At least half the characters (not counting children) had to be...well, people. No fur, no fangs, no special talents... Okay, so maybe some "special talents" would be allowed (we're looking at you, Chastity!) just not the weirdo psychic ones.

Rule #2. No Space Aliens. Some of us are still pouting about that. A lot.

Rule # 3. For the most part, and wherever practical, vampires and werewolves within the ZVCSWB serialverse would be written to conform to standard usage. ie, vampires drink blood (even if the thought of it makes them sick) and shun sunlight and...oh, yeah. That reminds me. One of the most important rules of all:

Rule #4. No sparkles. Ever.

There were other rules too, of course, like the ones governing the uses and abuses of gratuitous sex scenes...which, not so surprisingly, brings us to the actual subject of today's post: our not-so-villainous villains.

 Chastity Feelsgood
“It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that bling.”

There are some things money can’t buy, or so Chastity’s always heard, but she’s not one of them. That’s okay with her, however, since she’s pretty sure those other things aren’t worth much anyway.

This gold-plated gold digger has an eye for the finer things in life…or at least the shinier things. Chastity might not be altogether certain what a Mountie is, but she knows they always get their man—and so does she.

The babelicious bimbo has set her sights on a certain cold-blooded cowboy. She won’t rest until Rock’s rock is on her third finger left hand, and no shapeshifter sister better get in her way.


 

Billy Bob Bobson
“Born to stake vampires. Pointy end down, pointy end down!”

Scion to the prestigious Boston Bobsons, Billy Bob has always known it was his destiny to one day take over the family  vampire hunting business. Ever since he was a little boy he’s staked his heart on it. Unfortunately, to date, his is the only heart he has staked.

Can he help it that he abhors violence, detests guns and has a weakness for the wrong kind of woman?

A Texas ranch is no place for someone with BB’s refined tastes and delicate constitution. There are too many gun-toting vampires, too many blood-thirsty babies and far too many cacti! Perhaps it’s time he looked for a new line of work to get into?


Be sure to stop back on Monday, when we'll be exploring some of the local hot-spots of beautiful Bloodsuck, Texas.