Friday, May 14, 2010

Why Men Love Bitches


I recently read “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov. I thought it might be interesting reading for research purposes and I do think I got a few things out of it that I’ll use in my stories.

I have never considered myself a bitch. Not even close. I’m at the other end of the spectrum talked about in this book – the nice girl. Of course, the author of this book defines bitch not in the way you usually think of the word – more like that acronym Babe In Total Control of Herself. Some of her basic bitch princicples: a bitch maintains her independence, she doesn’t pursue him, she leaves him wanting, she remains in control of her time, she places a high value on herself, she is passionate about something other than him. Her basic premise is that guys will respect a woman who respects herself.

She goes through 100 “Attraction Principles” with lots of anecdotes to demonstrate. Many of them I agree with. Some of them I cringed at. And a lot of them, I wished I’d heard when I was 19!

At that age I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a man I thought I was crazy about. Okay, I was crazy about him, literally. I lost all my self-respect. No wonder he walked all over me and treated me like crap – I let him. I was young, lacking in self-esteem and apparently didn’t think I deserved better than that.

I did so many of these things that this author is telling women not to do! I pursued him. I certainly didn’t leave him wanting. I let him control my time – totally. I gave up friends and other interests for him.

Now, much older and wiser, I can reflect on how my current relationship is very different.

Some of the things in the book I would consider “game playing”, like the strategies for when you’re dating – things like not always being available when he calls, not calling him back immediately, not always being available when he asks you out, not jumping to do everything he wants to do. Some of it seems very manipulative.

But the thing that fascinated me was the part of the book where she interviews real men and asks them the top reasons men “play it cool”. They may not call a girl too much in the beginning of a relationship because they don’t want to give the impression they’re too eager. One man said: “Guys are just as emotional but they aren’t supposed to show it. If you seem too eager or show you’re too interested right off the bat, women will think you are desperate.” Sometimes they’ll pretend to ignore a woman in the beginning of a relationship to keep her interest. “No guy wants to look too desperate.” If you appear weak, people take advantage of you. And the real kicker: men don’t just act this way with women – they act this way with OTHER MEN. For the same reasons.

Attraction Principal #1: Anything a person chases in life runs away.



If men do all these things, and it’s okay – why not women too? Why not play it cool? Why not ignore a guy a little in the beginning? Why not appear strong? Why not hold off on calling him so you don’t look desperate?

4 comments:

PG Forte said...

interesting question, Kelly. Like you I tend to think a lot of these 'rules' are really just games.

I suppose it's a matter of motivation. If you're playing it cool because you're really trying to protect your vulnerable heart, that's understandable. If you're doing it just to manipulate people and "catch" them...I'm going to be a lot less comfortable with that.

Kelly Jamieson said...

PG, I think you hit the nail on the head - doing those things to "catch" a guy while appearing not to is manipulative. On the other hand, genuinely valuing yourself - by maintaining friendships and time for friends, by maintaining other interests, by genuinely being busy so you're not sitting by the phone waiting for his call - only makes a woman stronger, whether she ends up with the man or not.

karmolia said...

The thing is, i am 19 but i stil wish i read this book like 2 months ago. Well, i never gave up my hobbies or plans for him, i wasn't calling him all the time, i wasn't needy but when i decided that i started to feel the way he felt for me at first, he got really cold and distant. I also just started blogging as well and described mainly what is going on. I would love it if you can see it and share you opinion. /http://karmolia.blogspot.com//

Anonymous said...

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