Saturday, November 20, 2010


Our very own Juniper Bell is getting married next month, so this weekend we're having a SURPRISE bridal shower - a Naughty or Nice bridal shower, of course!

We've all gotten Juniper some virtual gifts (some naughty, some nice) and are here to dispense advice about the wedding, the wedding night and marriage.

First of all though, everyone should have a cocktail!
Sexy devil?
Menage a trois ?
Tie me to the bedpost naked ?
sexy bartender

And some naughty snacks!

chocolate bananas

pig in a blanket

chocolate strawberries

On with the gifts!


Advice: Make time for just the two of you. Put Date Night on the calendar at least once a month.

And my virtual gift: a floor full of lingerie.

because at my bridal shower, my aunt took all the lingerie and dropped it on the floor because "that's where it's going to end up anyway, so why not take a look at how it'll look there?" LOL


Looking for something to do on that long monotonous wedding night? Strip scrabble is always fun:

And for something to nibble on (besides the groom, of course):


My gift: A cookbook to satisfy naughty appetites. Because we all know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. *wink*

My advice for Juniper: Scroll down and pay special attention to the Advice for Wives. I think it covers the basics pretty well. :)


My advice? Buy him little presents just because. We women aren't the only ones who need to feel spoiled at random!

My gift:


And now a short break for some entertainment:

And now for the rest of the gifts!


There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

Music—because you have to have that, right?

101 Things not to say on your wedding night…or, like, any other time either, as far as I can tell!

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

And finally, my virtual gift: A “Tie-the-Knot” Wedding Bondage Kit.

FROM KELLY: (who is trying to to steal that bondage kit without anyone noticing)

Ha! Just kidding! That's the joke gift. Here's the real gift:

And my best marriage advice comes from my mother - have lots of sex. When times are tough, and they will be, lots of sex will keep you together.

It's kind of weird since you've been cohabiting so, it's not like this is your first rodeo (as my best friend said to me when I married Hub), but anyways....

- the 4 ingredient cookbook. Every busy wife and mom needs it.

Advice - because even if you've lived together for a while, it's different once you're married - it just is: don't spend a lot of time talking about the relationship. Women want to discuss shit way too much. Unless you've got a Serious Issue like adultery or a complete lack of communication, you don't have to let him know what you're feeling all the time and you don't have to talk out every argument you have. There's a lot to be said for letting shit just go.
My .02.


Advice: Have space that you share together and space that's all your own - and use both regularly! :)

For your together-space:
H2O Plus Softening Mint Foot Rub

For your own space:
Fleece Pamper Pair Foot Massager and Neck Wrap

And in case you don't actually have your own physical space:
Hearos Ultimate Softness Series Ear Plugs...

BEST WISHES JUNIPER from The Naughty Nine!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Juniper Bell said...

OMG, I'm dying!!!!!!!!!!! This is so great, and so hilarious!!!!! Seriously, I have chills right now, and a tear rolling down my cheek. And Maxime is rocking my world. Okay, now I have to go read everything again very carefully, write down all that good advice (since it mostly involves lots of sex, I think I'll remember it) and I think I might have to actually acquire some of those items. Lush bar? 4 Ingredient cook book? Mint foot bath? Hell yeah!! You guys are awesome and I love you all madly.

LizbethSelvig said...

As a far-flung friend and fan of Juniper's I can't tell you how much I loved this virtual shower. I had to miss her real bachelorette party, which was quite a bash I understand, so this was a big treat.

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum having been married for over 35 years. You ladies are spot on with all your advice.

Good luck, Juniper!!!

kittykelly28 said...

Congrats Juniper :) I was just at my local sex store yesterday and I almost bought the tie the not kit. :) And I've been maried for 6 years now. I wish you the best of luck jsut practice what you and the rest of the lovely nine write and you'll be fine! :)


Boone Brux said...

What great friends to throw a virtual wedding shower. It's almost as naughty as the real thing was. Let's just say what happens in Homer Alaska stays in Homer Alaska. Big Hugs and Kisses Juniper. I wish you the best in all your new and exciting beginnings!!!!


Skylar Kade said...

Huge congrats, Juniper--wish we could be with you on your special day!

flchen1 said...

Wooohooo, Juniper!! Happy shower, and wishing you a very wonderful month of enjoying the time before your wedding! NNN, your gifts and advice are spot on, as always! Juniper, wishing you and your man a lifetime of learning and loving!

Tamera Lynn said...

You guys found wonderful gifts! Juniper, I wish you the very happiest wedding, and an even happier marriage. And Boone, you keep your mouth shut ... lol!

booklover0226 said...

What great gifts! Love the "grandma drawers!"

Best wishes and much happiness, Juniper.

Tracey D

Lily Harlem said...

Big congrats Juniper - love all your gifts.

My advice would be keep laughing together in and out the bedroom, and when times get tough be patient with one another.

Hope your wedding day is everything you're dreaming of. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jenn said...

Congrats Juniper!!!!

What a great shower. My advice is to remember that marriage is a commitment and you have to work at, in the bedroom, on the living room floor, in the shower. LOL seriously as long as you touch and kiss and make time for one another the rest is easy. Money and things are nice but love and affection are what matter.

My grandmother always told me never go to bed angry and no matter how mad you get at one another never let a moment pass without saying I love you.

I wish you and the future Mr. Juniper years and years of happiness.

Magdalen said...

Here's my semi-serious piece of advice: Know what you want. (Yes, of course in bed ... but out of bed too.)

There will be times when you want a compliment, so be sure to ask the question so that you get a compliment! And there will be times when you really want an honest answer to your question. Well, if you want honesty, tell your sweetie it's a "no fault" question.

This has helped my communication skills no end. Because, believe me, my husband's brilliant but he still can't read minds for shit!

Have a wonderful day, Juniper! As wonderful as the wedding will be, I'm sure, know that the marriage is really much more fun.

Juniper Bell said...

Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart for all the great advice! We have some very wise women stopping by this blog. I'm going to take all this advice to heart. Laughter, sex, communication, not going to bed angry. I hope I can remember these things in the heat of the moment. ;)

As for the bachelorette party, some things are best left off the Internet, LOL! Love you guys!

Shoshanna Evers said...

Congrats, Juniper, on your upcoming marriage! I've been with Mr. Shoshanna for 6 1/2 years and my best marriage advice came from the Rabbi - "In a marriage, if the man feels respected and the woman feels cherished they will both be happy" :)